The Roller Coaster of Pain

More than 10, less than 20. That's how many pregnacy tests I would estimate that I've taken in the last 3 years. More than 10 times, I've really been convinced that I am indeed pregnant only to discover that actually, I am not. The tell tale symptoms that seemed so glaringly obvious to me slowly faded away and left me feeling betrayed. My certainty grew into doubt and my hope turned to despair. The pregnancy test only confirmed what I already knew...I wasn't pregnant...again.

Except once. Last September. That time I finally saw what I had been longing for so desperately...2 pink lines. Of course those 2 lines meant more than just the obvious. They immediately changed me. In just an instant, they opened new doors to new emotions and gave me new feelings that I cannot describe. Those 2 pink lines represented a long desired answer to our prayers, a new chapter, the fulfillment of our family plan, a new life. However, as the story goes, that life wasn't meant to be lived on this side of Heaven. It wasn't meant for me to have, to hold or to love. Not now, only someday. It was simply a truth confirmed, a love I would have to demonstrate by faith. So we mourned, we grieved, and we picked up the pieces to move on. I knew from the wise counsel of others that it would never leave me and that I would carry it more intensely than Travis because I had lived it so intimately. I knew all that...but I wasn't thrilled at the idea that I now needed to live with it.

I imagined that it would be difficult to start trying again and I was correct. I struggled with a divided heart, saddened to be back in this season of waiting and yet hopeful that we had finally seen a successful result after a previously long season on trying. As the new year began, I was constantly mindful of what might have been and as spring began knocking on winter's door, I cautiously prepared myself for the emotions I held just under the surface. May 6th was my projected due date and that day was suddenly getting alot closer. How would I cope with the other babies I knew that were to be born around that day? What about the reality of my empty womb compared with the promise that pregancy test brought for a full womb? How could I march on with my schedule, my life and my world when I so hoped it would all look differently? None of this was what I asked the Lord for, but apparently it was what He asked me to endure.

Now that I've known the joy of a positive pregnancy test, it seems harder to accept the devestation of another negative test. But that hardly matters now. Now I am once again faced with the reality that although I was convinced this was happening again, it didn't. Though I had worked hard to protect my heart and prepare for the worst, I couldn't. It simply is what it is. Another Friday, another negative test, another day of hope deferred. I suppose I'm getting better at living with disappointment, of masking it and moving on. I've certainly had the practice. But even still, it hurts. Strangely, although this new cycle of ups and downs is beginning over again, I am not devestated as once before. We are searching God for more wisdom, more patience, more grace. We are exploring options and praying for guidance. And although I'm marking another month off the calendar, I am trying to rest in the peace that comes from believing the Lord and trusting His character...even on the hard days, even on the negative-pregnancy-test days. My God is faithful and I am choosing to say, "Blessed be His name."