Reflections

Once again, I am sitting here with my heart brimming full of thoughts and emotions, I cannot believe how deep these emotions run. I would say that through this miscarriage journey, I have experienced every feeling possible, from one end of the spectrum to another. In recent days, I've felt like maybe this is getting easier, maybe I'm "getting over it", maybe the grieving is lessened...and then, like a fool, I am overcome by something and the floodgates open and the tears come all over again, with the intensity that I thought was gone. That seems to be my reality right now.

I started a Bible study last night that I've been anticipating for a long time, it's one of those studies and groups that you just know are from the Lord. It's a study on the disciplines of leadership and our role/calling as women in leadership...so good, right? We talked about the gospel last night and how that must be of "first importance" to us because it is the hope of our salvation, the centrality of our faith. (1 Cor.15:3-4) And when I pondered that, or tried to comprehend again just how simply divine salvation is, I can hardly complain about the loss I feel in light of the sacrafice God made for me with His only Son...and yet, the pain I feel is real and the emotions I have reflect that pain, and God knows. In fact He gave me those emotions and He cares for me. Even though He knows just how I feel and His sacrafice was infinately greater than mine, He loves me, He created me and redeemed me, and I am His child...

As I sat there participating and listening, my mind was racing I could feel those emotions bubbling under the surface and by the end, I was sobbing again, in a room with 9 women I don't know very well. Good gracious. Will this ever end? I can't even tell you all that I am learning right now, about myself and about the Lord. It's as if I'm having those "lightbulb" moments constantly and the lights are flickering like a strobe before me. He is revealing so much to me I can hardly keep up.

In all of this, so many precious friends and family have prayed specific passages from the Word over me and they have shed light on so many truths and promises God has given me. But last night, a girlfriend of mine, opened my eyes to a new truth that I was describing to her but I'd never heard it confirmed in quite that way.

****Disclaimer**** This is when I need my Pastor/husband to be home, so he can help me research this and confirm it.(He comes home tomorrow by the way!) I have not researched this, I am just taking her word for it, so maybe all of my seminary friends can help me confirm this or correct me if I'm wrong here. Our commentaries are in Trav's office, so I haven't looked it up.

That said, I was telling her that I have felt such a double-edged sword of this season being the worst/best thing that has happened to me. I hate going through it, I hate the pain of it and yet, I know God is with me, this is for my good, and He will redeem it for His glory if I'm willing. I can laugh and sob in the same breath. On days when it seems so dark and as if the Heavens are pouring around me, I have amazing encounters with my Savior and I walk away renewed and refreshed, but at the cost of feeling so "poured out like an offering." It's so oddly rich with meaning. Anyway, as I was sharing this with my friend, she told me that in a previous Bible study she had done, in Isaiah, she learned that the phrase "the day of the Lord" has a similar meaning in Hebrew. The actual word for it, means something to the effect of the best/worst, or the good/awful. I think it's referring to the judgement day of the Lord and how that day will bring the best and the worst. The worst is our confrontation of our sin and the best when we realize he's forgiven it, it's been covered by the blood of Jesus for those of us who believe in Him. It's literally like our worst nightmare, the judgement of evil, and our best/perfect "rescue" ending! He saves! The blood of Jesus has made us white as snow and has wiped the record clean. I don't know if that speaks to you, but it was like a healing word to me.

I know there is healing in the moments and trials that confront us with the best/worst. Despite the disappointment of losing a baby that has been so wanted and prayed for, I have an amazing peace about God's plan and His sovereignty. I trust Him now, more than ever. I love Him more and I am more amazed by Him. My friend said to me, "if I had to paint a worst nightmare scenario for Stephanie Armstrong, this would be it...tasting the joy of pregnancy after so long and then having it taken away..." and she's right, this is the one thing I've begged the Lord to give me, however, standing on the other side now with my arms still empty I can truly say "it is well with my soul." I hate it and I'm thankful for it. I wish it never happened and I wouldn't trade it for the world. How's that for a dicotomy? I, by no means, have figured this thing out. I don't wake up and recite my rote "sunday school answers" to make myself believe, but instead I'm stumbling through this all over the place, needy and desperate for a touch from my Savior...and do you know, He's giving it to me? He's stayed with me and lifted my head when I could not and He's gently guiding me down this road and reminding me today to "Be still and know that I AM God." Know that "I have redeemed you and you are mine, and because I love you, you are precious in my sight." "I will never leave you or forsake you" and "I give peace, that is unlike what the world gives..."

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...His words bring life to my aching body and my grieveing soul and today, that's worth every tear!