The Week That Was...Saying Goodbye to Our Baby.

It's been awhile since I've written and it feels like our life has been turned upside down. My silence over the last 2 weeks has come for a variety of reasons, but it hasn't motivated me to share anything, until tonight. This blog has been such a blessing to me over the last few months. Not only because of the ease with which I can communicate with sweet friends and family, but because I've needed this outlet. I've discovered how much I love to write and it's been very theraputic for me on many occasions. Tonight is no different. I need to share where we're at and what we're going through purely for selfish reasons. I apologize now if it's more than what's necessary, but my heart seems to be swelling with thoughts and words and emotion and I want to be honest with you about this journey we're now on.

I've been looking at the last pictures I posted, of us at the State Fair, and it brings tears to my eyes. I see such a glow on my face, a smile that was deeper than what seemed on the surface. I was pregnant then and I didn't know it. If you would have asked me over the last 2 1/2 years, what I wanted most in this season of life, I would have immediately answered with the words, "a baby." On Wednesday of last week, we finally had our moment...that perfect situation we had dreamed about when we discovered I was pregnant! I can't tell you the rush of emotion, excitement, and pure joy that filled my heart. In just 5 minutes, my entire world changed. Suddenly that baby I have been praying for and longing for was growing inside of me and I couldn't have been more thankful. I've been reading and re-reading my journal from that night because I already feel like I'm forgetting the joy of that moment. It was such a fun night and I didn't sleep at all! The next few days were such a blur of dreaming and planning and falling in love with this little life inside me. We loved every minute of it.

That was last week. This week began the same way and then it changed forever. Monday afternoon I unexpectantly miscarried our first baby. Looking back on that day now, I don't think it ever crossed my mind that a miscarriage was a possibility. I was immediately shocked and devestated. Before we made it to my OB for an ultrasound, I had a sinking feeling that I can't describe come over me and I knew that my baby was gone. I kept thinking it had to be a mistake, this wasn't happening to me and somehow that day was just a nightmare that I was going to wake up from. But there I was in that ultrasound room, hearing the technician tell me that my uterus was empty and there were no more signs of pregnancy left...I don't remember much of the next 30 minutes, but looking in the eyes of my sweet husband and seeing his pain too, I knew this was the road we were being forced down and everything in me was longing and fighting to go back.

This week has been such a roller coaster. I've spent much of it in tears and Travis has spent much of it consoling me and letting me vent. My anger raged in me at first, followed by deep resentment and some bitterness. Slowly some of that has faded and I've let my anger melt into acceptance, my resentment into grief. But I think it's safe to say this has been the worst week of my life, thus far. I share this because I've never felt so low and I've never been touched this personally before by loss. Even though my baby was just a few weeks old and I never got to see him/her or hold his/her little body, I felt that connection that a mother does. I dreamed dreams for my baby, I imagined what my baby was going to look like, I prayed about his/her little life and told the Lord that I would be the best Mommy I could be with this gift he was giving me...I praised the Lord continually for what He had done.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have my happy ending like I planned...but I'm learning that my plans are not God's plans and my ways are not His ways. I can't say that I feel thankful for this, but right now I'm choosing to thank Him for it. He is ministering to me in untold ways and with such tenderness and love that I can hardly stay angry without remembering His promises to me and seeing them being manifested through other people. His word is so alive to me through this journey, everyday I find new treasures to seek and I receive such healing for my heart. I know more than ever that my Savior loves me and He cares for me with such intimate concern. I am so comforted that my baby is safe in His arms now, free from the pain this life brings and the disappointment he/she may have felt in the mommy and daddy chosen for him/her. Today I prayed and asked the Lord to do for me what I could not do for my baby. I asked Him to hold our baby and tell him/her how wanted they were...to whisper soothing words in those little ears and to delight that little heart with things that were beautiful. I asked Him to introduce our baby to the family members and friends we have walking the streets of Heaven and I asked Him to tell our baby that one day his mommy and daddy will join Him there and will finally hold him and see him face to face. I know that my prayers will be answered and I know that my baby has no fear now and no confusion about this life. Our baby is free and living a life that we long for too, and we'll see that sweet baby one day and we'll praise our Savior for this gift again.

That is what I'm holding on to and that is what the Lord has shown me through this. In no way have I packaged this heartbreak up and figured out the "why" that nags me, but I'm letting go of the need to do that. I'm trusting in Jesus being enough for me and I'm asking Him to heal me and prepare me for another baby in His timing. I have no conditions to that prayer, it may or may not happen for me. But if this was the most of motherhood I'll ever taste, it was sweet enough to thank him for and I will remain forever changed by the baby I was given. I posted pictures from the night we discovered God had blessed us with a baby because I want to remember the joy on our faces and in our hearts over this life. God is holding our little lamb in his arms and is tenderly guiding us...He is so good.

Isaiah 40:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart: He gently leads those that have young."