Honestly

Welp, want some honesty? I have a syndrome these days that I'm trying to overcome.  It's called "biting off more than I can chew, and sometimes on purpose."  I still (clearly) haven't accepted the fact that I am not as free as I once was OR that having an infant again doesn't slow me down.  In both cases I am living blindly, thinking I can get back to "normal" much quicker than I should be and adding stress to my own self that is silly.  Maybe getting 3 days into a 31 day blogging series, followed by 6 days of silence might prove my point exactly.  I can't keep up.  And that's ok!  I'm realizing I don't have to and more importantly, I need to be OK with that.  

My hands are full.  

My husband has his hands full too.  

I have three small children with many needs. 

The world doesn't stop turning just because I am tired and busy.  

That. Is. My. Life.  

And I love it and I wouldn't trade it in for the alternative, life without kids.  I'm grateful for the privilege of feeling stretched thin because of what God's given us. So rather than wallow in what I cannot get on top of, I'm embracing my inabilities and maybe even celebrating them right now, and why?  Because when I do accomplish something or have a victory (or five) during the day, I want to recognize that God is the one who gives me the strength/endurance/wisdom/ability/etc. to do it in the first place.  I've recently realized a big flaw in my thinking.  I am a classic firstborn who thrives in "doing it myself."  That has resulted in 34 years of feeling pretty good about my self-suffiency.  I don't lack a lot of confidence about my ability to get something done, although I often lack the desire.  But too much of what I do, is often  fueled by the way it makes me feel to do it.  Does that make sense?  I am finally being honest with myself and realizing that so much of what I take on or think I "need" to do is really just a by-product of pride in me that says "Wouldn't it be amazing if you could get that done?  Especially with three kids??" It's such a twisted way of being productive, but at it's core it's sinful.  And do you know who suffers because of it?  Besides me?  My family.  The four people I love the most often suffer the consequences of my pride, pride that says "yes" too quickly and that tries to tackle too much, simply so I can say I did it.  Yuck.  

I read a quote this week that has stomped all over my toes.  

"If we feel and look self-sufficient, we will get the glory, not Christ"- John Piper

OUCH.

So there you go.  I'm here to say I'm not doing it all, I don't have it all together and when it does come together, it's simply by the grace of God! There is nothing easy about this stage in life, but there is plenty that is wonderful.  And as I keep reminding myself, I can enjoy it all so much better when my plate is only holding what is absolutely necessary.  

And that's what's going on in my life today, honestly  :)