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3.19.2008

"Our eyes are on you..."

"For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you..."


I cannot begin to convey all that's on my heart tonight, all the thoughts filling my mind. It's been a tough few days and while I've been longing to sit down and write about it, I haven't known how to. It seems as if I've turned a corner in this journey and somehow all the ground I thought I gained has suddenly crumbled underneath me. My foundation remains in place; Jesus, my rock of salvation, firmly gripping my feet, but the lush, soft earth I thought I once stood on, has been removed and replaced with a bed of rocks and thorns. It feels alot colder now and I'm struggling to stand. Reality has hit and try as hard as I might to turn away, I'm confronted with it on every side.

It's time now...time to face the truth and see this for what it is.

I'm not sure why, but after this weekend and yet another letdown, we've both come the realization that we are now 3 years into this infertility journey, and that's a long time. For 3 years we've held out hope and continued to believe that God was going to give us a baby. We didn't even consider the option of infertility at the beginning. With every year our "trying" got a little more focused, a little more intense. But under the advice of doctors, we just kept trying, and kept hoping. And then it happened for us, we got pregnant. And even thought we lost that baby, our hope increased with the pregnancy and we thought for sure, this was going to be the catalyst that would bring our dreams of a family to fruition. But 6 months later, it hasn't. And now we are feeling led to explore our options clearly and seriously. It's time to go down the road we've avoided and accept it as such.

On Monday I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment with their Infertility Specialist for April 11th, and I've become a puddle of tears ever since.

Maybe it's the reality that something is most likely wrong, maybe it's the disappointment in our unanswered prayers, or maybe it's the fear of the unknown. I don't know what "it" is, but I know that I am feeling very sad and very lonely right now. I have pleaded with the Lord and begged Him to just give me a baby the "easy/normal" way and now I see He's clearly chosen a different ending for me. I'm not having a crisis of faith, I know He's there and I know He's in control, but instead I'm having a crisis of "me." I don't want this. I never did. It's the one fear I've had for years...the fear of not having children. I know I haven't been given that diagnosis and I know this is a premature thought, but I can't help but entertain it. Let's face it, it is a possiblity at this point. They put me down for an "Infertility work-up", which is an accurate title because I am very "worked up" over it. I recognize that this will probably give us some answers we've been needing, but the fear of what those answers could be is paralyzing me.

I take great comfort in this passage from 2 Chronicles tonight...we truly do not know what to do, so we're fixing our eyes on Jesus. We're praying about this appointment and asking God to prepare our hearts for what we learn and for what lies ahead. Going through tests of all kinds stresses me out and I'm having a hard time finding peace in what I can't control. God has a plan for us and I know this battle is not mine to fight. I'm called to walk in obedience and at this very moment, I'm finding that to be a monumental task.

So in this latest valley, I'm asking for your prayers for us...so many of you have been faithful to encourage us, to love us, and to pray for us and I'm hoping that you won't stop. We are less than 2 weeks from a vacation that we so desperately need and I'm so thankful. I just really sense the Lord preparing us for something and I'm anxious to get away from "life" for awhile and spend some time with Him and with Travis. This is not an easy thing to walk through in marriage...I can feel the stress of our frustration and high emotions take its toll. But we're in it through the good and the bad, regardless of the outcome. For the last 6 months I've prayed for a heart that praises the Lord regardless of circumstance. My love for Him does not depend on whether He puts a baby in my arms, but I also know that right now, nothing hurts more than to find those arms still empty and still longing. But He is faithful and He is Sovereign and we are trusting in that tonight...

"For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you..."
"All Judah was standing before the Lord, with their infants, their wives and their children. Then in the midst of the assembly the Spirit of the Lord came...and He said, "Listen, all Judah...thus says the Lord to you, "Do no fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's...you need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf...do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you. Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground, and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the Lord, worshiping the Lord." 2 Chronicles 20:12-18

8 comments:

Amber said...

Praying for you even now.
I love ya. Psalm 33:18 "But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Kelly said...

Stephanie I'm so sorry. I am in that same place with you. We avoided the doctors for almost two years because I didn't want to think there was a "problem". I just hoped we kept getting the timing off. This is not how you hope and dream your life will be. This is not the road to a baby you imagined. It's like the loss of a dream. Why is it so easy for everyone else? I just keep repeating to myself "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT on your own understanding."
I'm glad ya'll are taking a vacation - I think that will help. I know how stressful this can be on your marriage. I pray that this will be a time of renewal and refreshing for you.
praying for you!

tapango1 said...

Praying for you sister in Christ!!!

I am excited to see what our Lord and Saviour has in store for you....its going to be greater then you can even imagine...More then you ever thought would make you happy......overflowing........hang in there

Faith said...

Hi Stephanie,
I found your blog from Kelly's Korner. I, too, am in the same place as you. I could echo every word you said.
My husband and I have tried for over 2 years with no success. I know the hurt, the sadness, the fear, the disappointment, the frustration, the lonliness...all of it. It is something I never thought I would go through, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
I will be praying for you and your husband. I pray that God's peace would reign in your heart and that He would fulfill the deepest longings of your soul. I know that our God is able, and I am trusting Him come through for us. He is faithful and He is good...all the time.
A new internet friend =) Faith

Moodixie said...
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sheltonfamily said...

I just read this tonight (Friday) so sorry I have not commented until now. I think and pray for you guys often. I know the fertility doc. is a huge step of faith, but one that you must follow. May you keep casting your cares upon Him. FL will be great for you guys!

Moodixie said...

Hey Stephanie,

I have been reading your blogs lately and have been touched by your comments on infertility. I too, 5 years later am struggling with the emotions of ups and downs, dreaming of holding a child of my own also. I would love to say it gets better, but honestly it is a day by day process. I will remember you & Travis in my prayers. Know that you aren't alone. An old SCBC friend!

Moodixie said...
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