The Roller Coaster of Pain

More than 10, less than 20. That's how many pregnacy tests I would estimate that I've taken in the last 3 years. More than 10 times, I've really been convinced that I am indeed pregnant only to discover that actually, I am not. The tell tale symptoms that seemed so glaringly obvious to me slowly faded away and left me feeling betrayed. My certainty grew into doubt and my hope turned to despair. The pregnancy test only confirmed what I already knew...I wasn't pregnant...again.

Except once. Last September. That time I finally saw what I had been longing for so desperately...2 pink lines. Of course those 2 lines meant more than just the obvious. They immediately changed me. In just an instant, they opened new doors to new emotions and gave me new feelings that I cannot describe. Those 2 pink lines represented a long desired answer to our prayers, a new chapter, the fulfillment of our family plan, a new life. However, as the story goes, that life wasn't meant to be lived on this side of Heaven. It wasn't meant for me to have, to hold or to love. Not now, only someday. It was simply a truth confirmed, a love I would have to demonstrate by faith. So we mourned, we grieved, and we picked up the pieces to move on. I knew from the wise counsel of others that it would never leave me and that I would carry it more intensely than Travis because I had lived it so intimately. I knew all that...but I wasn't thrilled at the idea that I now needed to live with it.

I imagined that it would be difficult to start trying again and I was correct. I struggled with a divided heart, saddened to be back in this season of waiting and yet hopeful that we had finally seen a successful result after a previously long season on trying. As the new year began, I was constantly mindful of what might have been and as spring began knocking on winter's door, I cautiously prepared myself for the emotions I held just under the surface. May 6th was my projected due date and that day was suddenly getting alot closer. How would I cope with the other babies I knew that were to be born around that day? What about the reality of my empty womb compared with the promise that pregancy test brought for a full womb? How could I march on with my schedule, my life and my world when I so hoped it would all look differently? None of this was what I asked the Lord for, but apparently it was what He asked me to endure.

Now that I've known the joy of a positive pregnancy test, it seems harder to accept the devestation of another negative test. But that hardly matters now. Now I am once again faced with the reality that although I was convinced this was happening again, it didn't. Though I had worked hard to protect my heart and prepare for the worst, I couldn't. It simply is what it is. Another Friday, another negative test, another day of hope deferred. I suppose I'm getting better at living with disappointment, of masking it and moving on. I've certainly had the practice. But even still, it hurts. Strangely, although this new cycle of ups and downs is beginning over again, I am not devestated as once before. We are searching God for more wisdom, more patience, more grace. We are exploring options and praying for guidance. And although I'm marking another month off the calendar, I am trying to rest in the peace that comes from believing the Lord and trusting His character...even on the hard days, even on the negative-pregnancy-test days. My God is faithful and I am choosing to say, "Blessed be His name."


The Martins said...

Wow! What a great picture of grace. God gives us just the right amount we need when we need it. He is so faithful! Love you!

tapango1 said...

Hang in there..........I know the exact feeling of marking off another month............its rough....i hope your getting your pregnancy tests at the dollar store....yes there only a dollar!!! lol

Jerbecca said...

I don't know what to say, except I love you guys and I wish I was closer because I so want to hug you. I have been praying for you every day for so long and I will continue. I can not imagine what you are feeling now but my heart hurts so much for you. I am so thankful that God has given you His grace and that you know and hold to the fact that He is Sovereign and has a plan we cannot understand. I don't think I would be able to get that. I have some other friends going through the same thing and my heart is so heavy that I stop several times a day to pray.
Love you guys,

sheltonfamily said...

I love your honesty. We prayed last night for you all and knowing that
God is still on the throne when we don't get it. I know and trust that all things will work together for you all. You should really listen to today's sermon from Watermark. Incredible on pain and just not getting what God is trying to teach you? I will send you the link.

Miz Jean said...

Steph, I commend you so much for being so open and honest. It takes so much courage to let people know what you are going through. And really, I think struggling with infertility (be it 3 months or 3 years) is one of the most painful journeys women take. But it is just that - a journey. One slow step, one painful step at a time, you are on a journey that will lead you to God's peace and his faithful fulfillment of promises. He who promised IS faithful! He is always faithful. He cathes every tear and holds them in His nail-pierced hands.

amy said...

steph... you are in our prayers! God is so good to bring you through this roller coaster ride... now we just have to wait for His provision of the precious little life he has for you and Travis! know that He is faithful and just! we love you!