Pages

5.06.2008

A Day to Remember



A Letter From Your Mom

Dear Little One,

It's hard to believe that nine months have come and gone. It's as if I've blinked my eyes and my whole world has changed. I knew today would come, and yet I hoped it would be so different. I hoped I'd get to meet you today, my first born baby. Your Mommy and Daddy have been waiting for you and praying for you, for so long, and when you first made your entrance into our hearts, we were overwhelmed with joy. My doctor told us we would get to meet you when winter ended and spring came. In May, we were told, around the sixth day.

Oh little one, we were so excited. You were the answer to our dreams, to our prayers, to our hopes. We could not believe that after all this waiting for you, here you were! Your Daddy was so happy, so thrilled to tell the whole world all about you. We agreed to keep you as our own little secret for awhile, while you grew, but your Dad couldn't do it. He's horrible at keeping secrets and you were the best secret he ever had to keep! So we told our family about you, a little earlier than we would have, and one day, while your Dad was at work, he told his team about you too. Even though the thought of our news spreading too soon made me panic, I loved that your Dad told his friends. The real secret is that he's been waiting to be a Dad for a long time and he was walking in the clouds at the thought of you. I want you to know that story because I want you to know how we longed for you. How your little, short life meant something to us and how the news of you coming, would change us forever. You mattered to your Daddy, little one. He couldn't wait to meet you.

I'll never forget the moment I realized that I was carrying you. It was a surreal, incredible feeling and I will always cherish it as one of the best moments of my life. After not feeling so well, suddenly, I was very aware of your presence. I was consumed at the thought of you. I took a test to put my mind at ease and for the first time, it was positive! My mind raced, my hand instantly went to my stomach to feel you and to tell you I was there. And I knew life would never be the same.

Suddenly I was filled with questions. Would you be my son or my daughter? Who would you resemble most? What kind of personality would you have? What would your name be? I couldn't get through a day without all of these thoughts and more, bombarding my mind! I loved it. In what felt like an instant, I went from being consumed with myself to being consumed with you. It was bliss and I couldn't believe it was happening.

I wrote volumes of praise to the Lord over you. My journal is filled with thoughts and prayers and dreams for you. Little one, I don't know if you know this, but you were long awaited. Your Mom and your Dad spent much time in prayer, specifically for you. We knew God would one day give us the gift of a child and when he gave us you, we were filled with grateful hearts. You were the child we had pleaded for and the physical reminder of God's faithfulness to us. Do you know that still, today, you represent such hope for us? We believe with all our hearts that God created you, formed you, and ordained everyday we had with you. In no way were you an accident or just a failed pregnancy. Not to us. To us, you are part of our family and part of God's plan. If you were here today, I would tell you these things and much more about our Savior. But do you know what is so ironic? Because God, in his sovereignty, took you home before we ever got to know you, you already know and see things from a heavenly perspective and you are already much wiser than your Mom and Dad.

Today is the day we hoped to know you, to hold your sweet body, to kiss your little head. Two other little ones like you have been born to our friends this week and one more will be born any day now. It's likely you would have shared a birthday with one of them, but instead, they will always be little reminders to us of you. I didn't know how I would feel today little one, how my heart would ache. I've accepted that your little life was taken from us before we ever got to know you, but somedays it's hard to let you go. You were a precious gift from God, straight from His heart to mine and to your Daddy's. I was overwhelmed at my first thought of you and to some extent, I still am. You will always hold such a special place in our hearts and one day, we have great hope that we'll see you in Heaven. But for now, I find much comfort in remembering you and the day you were first known to us. You were mine and I was your Mom. Little one, no one else shares that bond that you and I do. You'll always be my first baby, my first pregnancy, my first experience at being a mom. I love that we share that. It's a memory that no one can take away from me. Your Daddy and I love you and we always will. We have great plans to introduce you to your brothers or sisters someday, but only the Lord knows when or how. We will trust Him with our dreams just as we trusted Him with you. Thank you for the difference you made in our hearts; for the way you've helped us to trust in what we cannot see and for the way you've drawn us closer to our Savior. We will never forget you little one, and now we long for the day when we will get to know you and see you in the fullness of Jesus' presence and His glory. Oh what a day that will be!

Remembering You Always and With all my love,

Your Mommy

5 comments:

Faith said...

Oh Stephanie, I am just in tears. I am so sorry...there really are no words that I can say to make your heart not ache. I wish I could be there to hug you and cry with you and pray with you. I am praying for you right now...

Heavenly Father, I lift up Travis and Stephanie to You. Please comfort their hurting hearts and be their source of healing. Renew their hope for a child to come. We know that You alone are the Creator and Sustainer of life, and we trust You and Your ways even when we don't understand them. Shelter them in Your love today, Father, and in the days that are to come. In the strong name of Jesus, Amen.

I love you Stephanie! I am praying for you!

Jerbecca said...

I love you guys and am praying for you even now. I am so sorry.

Miz Jean said...

Beautiful. I love that you are celebrating this child's life. And its clear to hear how much you love him or her. That will never change. And that's what being a Mommy is all about!

sheltonfamily said...

What a sweet letter. I know it will be an encouragement to many. I know that God has a perfect plan for you all and that one day you will experience the child you've always prayed for. Thanks for being so honest. I love the blog design and it is very fitting for summer! We love you guys!

Kelly said...

Stephanie:
I'm really late in reading this post but it was beautiful!!!!
You have a special baby waiting to meet you one day in Heaven and I hope you count yourself as a mom!
I've been praying for you every day even if I haven't read your blog. You are always in my prayers. GOD WILL BLESS YOU! HAVE FAITH!